[The truth behind the words is undeniable--but still there's a part that jars off Myr's pride and distracts him, try as he might to listen.]
Invented! I loved him and betrayed his trust and he suffered for it--that's not invented--
[He catches back the rest of the words, presses the back of his hand against his mouth to stop the rest. That note of desperation isn't lost on him, though it takes him a moment to draw the line from why is that never enough back to everyone who loves you.
...Oh. Oh, yes. He deserves this for being so thoughtless.
At least Van can't see how his ears are burning, though the way he swallows back his shame and the rest of his recriminations is audible.]
You're right. You're--you're right about all of it.
It wouldn't be any kind of solution, whatever it feels like.
[It hadn't been a fair thing to say. He doesn't know what that debt really entails or how it came to be; he knows so little about any of it, held at arm's length as he'd always been. And maybe it isn't Casimir or his cousin that he'd been thinking of just then--maybe he'd been too consumed with his imagined picture of the Deep Roads, of poor and desperate dwarves with too-familiar tattoos flinging themselves into the abyss for a code of honor that doesn't need to exist.
You are never enough to prevent this, his mind tells him. You are not a thing to live for. You will never measure up to an abstract concept. Not in the end.]
You already have the solution. It just isn't a big or grand enough gesture to feel like it means what it needs to. But big grand gestures don't win battles, only start them.
It isn't-- [a gesture, he'd say, but now that he's thinking of it-- It wasn't truly about helping Casimir, simply assuaging his own guilt in the most dramatic way possible. Yes, he'd a duty to prevent further harm to his friend--to any of the Tranquil--but this...
He's done stupid things in the grips of emotion before but this is another order entirely. The realization keeps him quiet for a long time.]
We don't, really--have a solution yet. Only the barest hint of something.
Not enough to throw my life away on, and abandon you and everyone else who's counting on me.
But working toward it is the solution. Even if you don't have it immediately. Even if you don't have much. Just because you can't do it all at once and there'll be setbacks and it'll take longer doesn't mean it doesn't count.
Is there--anything I can do to help with it? It might not be much within my field of expertise, but...if there's busywork to be done to speed it along, or something, I could be--
[Another set of eyes, he's about to say, and then...doesn't.]
[Something about Van's reassurance prompts a laugh out of him. It's not much of one, but it is a laugh.]
I know. Just didn't want you thinking we're further along than we were.
[His tone brightens further at the offer.] Please--I don't know it's anyone's field of expertise, though I s'pose as there's spirits involved Kostos will be in his element. As...will Anders, if he's joining us.
[He does not follow with, please come be a buffer for me. But there's a note of trepidation in that name that all the same. He doesn't like not getting along with people and the relative peace feels surreal.]
[Myr, fortunately, does not need to follow explicitly with that. They've had that conversation, or something like it, often enough for it to be understood--even if Van doesn't know half so much about it as he thinks he does.
What he already does know is enough to make him realize that he might be the only one able or willing to mediate between cousin and friend, even if neither of them is aware of the extent of his connection with the other. And this is to say nothing of what he can do for the project itself, though his confidence wavers a little at the description.]
Well, you know I'm not much for spirits themselves, but so long as I don't need to be, I'm there. I'll bring snacks, even, if they've got the actual magic covered between them. Everything's better with moretum.
[The mediation alone would be worth it, should Myr and Anders get crossways with each other again. Somewhere Myr heartily does not want to go--but if Anders restarts that fight, far be it from him not to try and finish it.
...Except it will imperil their research. Damn. Hope Van's in top diplomatic form, then.]
No argument there--and I'd never undersell the importance of snacks in the research process. [Can't pull all-nighters without good snacks.]
Besides, I expect there'll be a lot of reading and you know that's always faster with more people.
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no subject
Invented! I loved him and betrayed his trust and he suffered for it--that's not invented--
[He catches back the rest of the words, presses the back of his hand against his mouth to stop the rest. That note of desperation isn't lost on him, though it takes him a moment to draw the line from why is that never enough back to everyone who loves you.
...Oh. Oh, yes. He deserves this for being so thoughtless.
At least Van can't see how his ears are burning, though the way he swallows back his shame and the rest of his recriminations is audible.]
You're right. You're--you're right about all of it.
It wouldn't be any kind of solution, whatever it feels like.
no subject
You are never enough to prevent this, his mind tells him. You are not a thing to live for. You will never measure up to an abstract concept. Not in the end.]
You already have the solution. It just isn't a big or grand enough gesture to feel like it means what it needs to. But big grand gestures don't win battles, only start them.
no subject
He's done stupid things in the grips of emotion before but this is another order entirely. The realization keeps him quiet for a long time.]
We don't, really--have a solution yet. Only the barest hint of something.
Not enough to throw my life away on, and abandon you and everyone else who's counting on me.
no subject
Is there--anything I can do to help with it? It might not be much within my field of expertise, but...if there's busywork to be done to speed it along, or something, I could be--
[Another set of eyes, he's about to say, and then...doesn't.]
no subject
I know. Just didn't want you thinking we're further along than we were.
[His tone brightens further at the offer.] Please--I don't know it's anyone's field of expertise, though I s'pose as there's spirits involved Kostos will be in his element. As...will Anders, if he's joining us.
[He does not follow with, please come be a buffer for me. But there's a note of trepidation in that name that all the same. He doesn't like not getting along with people and the relative peace feels surreal.]
no subject
What he already does know is enough to make him realize that he might be the only one able or willing to mediate between cousin and friend, even if neither of them is aware of the extent of his connection with the other. And this is to say nothing of what he can do for the project itself, though his confidence wavers a little at the description.]
Well, you know I'm not much for spirits themselves, but so long as I don't need to be, I'm there. I'll bring snacks, even, if they've got the actual magic covered between them. Everything's better with moretum.
no subject
...Except it will imperil their research. Damn. Hope Van's in top diplomatic form, then.]
No argument there--and I'd never undersell the importance of snacks in the research process. [Can't pull all-nighters without good snacks.]
Besides, I expect there'll be a lot of reading and you know that's always faster with more people.