Fuck you! I didn't know that! What else could you possibly have meant?
[An eye for an eye, in the most gruesomely, sickeningly literal sense of the word--isn't that what anyone would want? Now that he's finally shouldered the blame he deserves to, admitted his share of the fault, won't Myr want retribution? An apology isn't enough; it never has been, not for anyone, because people don't work that way. He can't even begin to fathom what else Myr could have meant or what more he could want.
He can hear that clumsy drunk fumbling, wishes for an irrational moment that he were there to clean it up, because Maker knows Myr can't when he's in a state like this. He remembers, sudden, unbidden, that day he'd come to Myr's room to find it trashed in a rage with Rohesia's incendiary flyer on the door--remembers tidying it, fearful for his cousin's reputation should anyone else witness such a loss of control.
The actual explanation comes like a punch, a winding blow, and he sinks into the chair he'd furnished Kit's living room with.]
When have I--when have I ever done that? What do you mean, 'again?' Why do you think--
[Maybe, to a loyalist, fleeing to freedom reads like personal abandonment. It never would have occurred to Vandelin that it might. But here, at the end of the road, when they've found each other against mountainous odds--how could he do anything like it again?]
I was never running from you. You were never a thing to run from. After everything we did to stay together--
You know they threatened to transfer me after my Harrowing if I made trouble, don't you? Why the fuck do you think I followed the Aequitarians for so long? Why do you think I joined them? You think I actually believed in them? I was afraid that if I rocked the boat with the Libertarians, I'd never see you again.
I stopped compromising when I knew they'd let me stay. But I didn't call it abandonment when you stuck with the Chantry all along. I would've given anything to make you come with me, but I never said you abandoned me by staying.
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[An eye for an eye, in the most gruesomely, sickeningly literal sense of the word--isn't that what anyone would want? Now that he's finally shouldered the blame he deserves to, admitted his share of the fault, won't Myr want retribution? An apology isn't enough; it never has been, not for anyone, because people don't work that way. He can't even begin to fathom what else Myr could have meant or what more he could want.
He can hear that clumsy drunk fumbling, wishes for an irrational moment that he were there to clean it up, because Maker knows Myr can't when he's in a state like this. He remembers, sudden, unbidden, that day he'd come to Myr's room to find it trashed in a rage with Rohesia's incendiary flyer on the door--remembers tidying it, fearful for his cousin's reputation should anyone else witness such a loss of control.
The actual explanation comes like a punch, a winding blow, and he sinks into the chair he'd furnished Kit's living room with.]
When have I--when have I ever done that? What do you mean, 'again?' Why do you think--
[Maybe, to a loyalist, fleeing to freedom reads like personal abandonment. It never would have occurred to Vandelin that it might. But here, at the end of the road, when they've found each other against mountainous odds--how could he do anything like it again?]
I was never running from you. You were never a thing to run from. After everything we did to stay together--
You know they threatened to transfer me after my Harrowing if I made trouble, don't you? Why the fuck do you think I followed the Aequitarians for so long? Why do you think I joined them? You think I actually believed in them? I was afraid that if I rocked the boat with the Libertarians, I'd never see you again.
I stopped compromising when I knew they'd let me stay. But I didn't call it abandonment when you stuck with the Chantry all along. I would've given anything to make you come with me, but I never said you abandoned me by staying.