[There's something there behind that word, something to spark offense off the cold and unwelcome anger that had lodged in his breast three years ago. But he can't quite make the intuitive leap he did before, can't quite scavenge disparate elements into a real cause for offense. Maybe if--
Gears slip, catch, and fall apart. He lets it go. There are some weapons you shouldn't use; some people you don't use them against.
This is Van, cousin and friend, best ally and loyal opposition. Even in those black days--weeks--months following the uprising, even when the only light in the darkness was a miserable fury over what had happened, he'd defended Vandelin to his detractors. It was instinct--automatic, disconnected from feeling, but as so often happens sentiment had followed action and even if Myr had started with doubt (Did he do this? Did he mean it?) and hurt, a part of him believed, and that belief grew.
Doubt gave way to conviction, gave way to-- Providence. What a perfectly Vandelin way to put it.
Myr smiles to himself to hear it, rueful and fond.] Yeah. Maybe you should wonder-- You could ask Him about it.
[Not "you should thank Him for it". He knows, he remembers, he gets it. But he can't stop leaving that door open--]
That's--that is what matters. That we're here. That you were out here, for me to find again. That kept me going, you know that? Even if I didn't know we'd find each other again--even as angry as I was--
["Your cousin is still out there," someone had said, when he was flat on his back in feverish agony and heartbreak. Maybe it had been meant as a spur to revenge, a don't give up, justice needs to be served--maybe that's how he'd taken it at first.
Or maybe the voice hadn't belonged to anyone in the Circle at all. Maybe that's the kinder way to imagine it--divine reminder--and Myr in all his need to believe the best had come round to that. Van was still out there.]
--even when I thought it would be better to b, be Tranquil and not have to feel things anymore about what had happened, like Cas--o, or just go to sleep and never wake up again because I could still see in the Fade--even then, I thought about you and thought you'd be so fucking mad if I did that. You'd never forgive me. I wouldn't hear the end of it. So I kept--I kept going.
no subject
[There's something there behind that word, something to spark offense off the cold and unwelcome anger that had lodged in his breast three years ago. But he can't quite make the intuitive leap he did before, can't quite scavenge disparate elements into a real cause for offense. Maybe if--
Gears slip, catch, and fall apart. He lets it go. There are some weapons you shouldn't use; some people you don't use them against.
This is Van, cousin and friend, best ally and loyal opposition. Even in those black days--weeks--months following the uprising, even when the only light in the darkness was a miserable fury over what had happened, he'd defended Vandelin to his detractors. It was instinct--automatic, disconnected from feeling, but as so often happens sentiment had followed action and even if Myr had started with doubt (Did he do this? Did he mean it?) and hurt, a part of him believed, and that belief grew.
Doubt gave way to conviction, gave way to-- Providence. What a perfectly Vandelin way to put it.
Myr smiles to himself to hear it, rueful and fond.] Yeah. Maybe you should wonder-- You could ask Him about it.
[Not "you should thank Him for it". He knows, he remembers, he gets it. But he can't stop leaving that door open--]
That's--that is what matters. That we're here. That you were out here, for me to find again. That kept me going, you know that? Even if I didn't know we'd find each other again--even as angry as I was--
["Your cousin is still out there," someone had said, when he was flat on his back in feverish agony and heartbreak. Maybe it had been meant as a spur to revenge, a don't give up, justice needs to be served--maybe that's how he'd taken it at first.
Or maybe the voice hadn't belonged to anyone in the Circle at all. Maybe that's the kinder way to imagine it--divine reminder--and Myr in all his need to believe the best had come round to that. Van was still out there.]
--even when I thought it would be better to b, be Tranquil and not have to feel things anymore about what had happened, like Cas--o, or just go to sleep and never wake up again because I could still see in the Fade--even then, I thought about you and thought you'd be so fucking mad if I did that. You'd never forgive me. I wouldn't hear the end of it. So I kept--I kept going.
[It isn't meant to wound.]