![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Friends, Vandelin thinks, are well and good, but they don't need to know things about you, like how your uncle died or how you still feel about it, or indeed, how you feel about anything. Friends are people you help out when you want to be magnanimous, whom you can trust with your politics, from whom you can in theory seek help but should really try your best not to. Inasmuch as Vandelin even knows what a friend is, he thinks of Anders as one of the closest. It would mystify him that Anders would think otherwise.
"Of course," he says, and his appreciation is truly sincere. As the offer of company that it is, it warms him, and he has no desire to reject it. "I'll try not to bother you too often when he does something cute. But I'll let you know once I've decided on a name."
"Of course," he says, and his appreciation is truly sincere. As the offer of company that it is, it warms him, and he has no desire to reject it. "I'll try not to bother you too often when he does something cute. But I'll let you know once I've decided on a name."
He chuckles as he heads for the door.
"As if I'd have any objections to hearing about a cat doing something cute. Please call me as often as you'd like with stories of his antics, Vandelin." And with another flash of a smile, Anders is headed out. How much he matters to Vandelin is beside the point right now - the cat seems to already be doing the trick and Anders will take comfort in that.
"As if I'd have any objections to hearing about a cat doing something cute. Please call me as often as you'd like with stories of his antics, Vandelin." And with another flash of a smile, Anders is headed out. How much he matters to Vandelin is beside the point right now - the cat seems to already be doing the trick and Anders will take comfort in that.
Exactly. Civil, mutual disagreement. Like adults. [There may be a hint of irony there. Just a smidge.]
She may do better if it really is meant for conversation without concrete plans. Or she may start criticizing everyone's fashion sense and telling everyone in robes to man up. Or, you're right, she may forgo it altogether, in which case maybe we've dodged an arrow. Still. I think we can work with any eventuality at this point. I'm not concerned. We've already got a good enough starting crowd without her.
She may do better if it really is meant for conversation without concrete plans. Or she may start criticizing everyone's fashion sense and telling everyone in robes to man up. Or, you're right, she may forgo it altogether, in which case maybe we've dodged an arrow. Still. I think we can work with any eventuality at this point. I'm not concerned. We've already got a good enough starting crowd without her.
[He sighs.]
Sorry. I've been... I've been here so long and there's never been this many mages who might take a stand for themselves, and it's so hard to understand someone who wants freedom but spends their time taking potshots rather than seeing what can be accomplished together. We've a better setup than mages have had for literally hundreds of years. And I don't want to leave anyone behind, or risk shortchanging our people.
Sorry. I've been... I've been here so long and there's never been this many mages who might take a stand for themselves, and it's so hard to understand someone who wants freedom but spends their time taking potshots rather than seeing what can be accomplished together. We've a better setup than mages have had for literally hundreds of years. And I don't want to leave anyone behind, or risk shortchanging our people.
[He's quiet a moment, considering this at length, and weighing his words as carefully as ever. Were he speaking to someone else, the response might be quicker, might have a hint of teeth, but even if he were securer and more certain in his own feelings about this endeavor, Anders would deserve better than that.]
Given its stated intent, I don't know that this is a project where we need to worry about that. By its very definition, it leaves mages behind. [Abandons them, Myr might say, runs from them, turns away from them--]
And for a meeting of the like-minded to talk about our own experience, there's no harm in that. It's as it should be. But if that's what this truly is, then we don't need to worry about pulling in people who don't want to be there, regardless of why they don't. We're not leaving them out of some grand plan that will shape all of our futures. We're just not forcing them to talk about their lives over cake and ale if they'd rather not.
Given its stated intent, I don't know that this is a project where we need to worry about that. By its very definition, it leaves mages behind. [Abandons them, Myr might say, runs from them, turns away from them--]
And for a meeting of the like-minded to talk about our own experience, there's no harm in that. It's as it should be. But if that's what this truly is, then we don't need to worry about pulling in people who don't want to be there, regardless of why they don't. We're not leaving them out of some grand plan that will shape all of our futures. We're just not forcing them to talk about their lives over cake and ale if they'd rather not.
[There's a pause as he processes that. When he speaks again, there's hesitation in his words.]
We're not really... doing that, are we? They have the Chantry relations group that I've heard has meetings, they've already got unity, and they can go to a Templar at any time that they want reassurances. This is meant to give something to our group that we don't have and that so many other groups do have.
We're not really... doing that, are we? They have the Chantry relations group that I've heard has meetings, they've already got unity, and they can go to a Templar at any time that they want reassurances. This is meant to give something to our group that we don't have and that so many other groups do have.
I haven't wanted to go within fifty yards of a Chantry-related anything since I was eight, but it's my understanding that the mages in that project are few and far between--and one of them is Nell, whose politics I think we can safely say aren't loyalist. I don't think it's quite the same thing.
And I don't often make a habit of taking tea with loyalists, so maybe they do have their own kind of support network that I'm not privy to. But there are fewer of them in the Inquisition than there are of us. I wouldn't blame them for feeling isolated. Even if you like templars and Chantry sisters, they're a poor substitute for your own kind.
This is not a suggestion that we invite them to our parties, mind you. It's just demon's advocate.
And I don't often make a habit of taking tea with loyalists, so maybe they do have their own kind of support network that I'm not privy to. But there are fewer of them in the Inquisition than there are of us. I wouldn't blame them for feeling isolated. Even if you like templars and Chantry sisters, they're a poor substitute for your own kind.
This is not a suggestion that we invite them to our parties, mind you. It's just demon's advocate.
Mm.
[The Loyalists have indeed fallen dramatically in number and standing since Vivienne chose to remain in Skyhold. It's possible that they're not as established and secure as Anders thought. But at the same time, inviting them in to this event would isolate those who he sees as more vulnerable so he can't.]
A fair advocacy. Though I'll not be changing the invitations up. I want the vulnerable ones of our people to feel secure before I can worry about Loyalists. But if this does continue and succeed, we could think about running two. One for the non-Loyalists to continue to bond and grow, and one for all mages. Likely I would... not be welcome to organize that one. But it's a possible thought for the future.
[The Loyalists have indeed fallen dramatically in number and standing since Vivienne chose to remain in Skyhold. It's possible that they're not as established and secure as Anders thought. But at the same time, inviting them in to this event would isolate those who he sees as more vulnerable so he can't.]
A fair advocacy. Though I'll not be changing the invitations up. I want the vulnerable ones of our people to feel secure before I can worry about Loyalists. But if this does continue and succeed, we could think about running two. One for the non-Loyalists to continue to bond and grow, and one for all mages. Likely I would... not be welcome to organize that one. But it's a possible thought for the future.
That's more than fair. We're not hosting a debate club. ["We," as if Vandelin has somehow been involved in the planning of this as opposed to having learned about it ten minutes ago and needed convincing to consider coming.]
I know there's a difference between supporting them in politics we don't condone, and simply...remembering that they're mages too. The latter is all I want. We can worry about the rest of it much later.
Meanwhile, do you think we should try to appease the more radical set by instituting a dress code? Trousers only? Maybe some false beards? [No, he's never letting that go. Thanks, Nell.]
I know there's a difference between supporting them in politics we don't condone, and simply...remembering that they're mages too. The latter is all I want. We can worry about the rest of it much later.
Meanwhile, do you think we should try to appease the more radical set by instituting a dress code? Trousers only? Maybe some false beards? [No, he's never letting that go. Thanks, Nell.]
Everyone except Vivienne I see as another mage.
[He says it very dryly, because it's... not as much of a joke as he wishes it was. Then his voice turns purely joking:]
And I suggest we bring false beards and trousers and leave them as options. So people can try them on, see if they're ready for that particular level of rebelness. Only a select sort will.
[He says it very dryly, because it's... not as much of a joke as he wishes it was. Then his voice turns purely joking:]
And I suggest we bring false beards and trousers and leave them as options. So people can try them on, see if they're ready for that particular level of rebelness. Only a select sort will.
The true believers grow their own. Makes it that much harder for the elves, but if I had real conviction I'm sure I could muster one up.
I never did meet Madame de Fer. She's just achieved this sort of mythical bogeyman status, like the Dread Wolf to the Dalish.
I never did meet Madame de Fer. She's just achieved this sort of mythical bogeyman status, like the Dread Wolf to the Dalish.
I've never managed to grow trousers. And Vivienne...
[Anders sighs.]
She's very politically adept. It's a shame she uses it in hopes of returning the Circles to exactly as they were, and it's worse than a shame that she killed mages in White Spire as they tried to flee when everything went down there. I realize it's incredibly hypocritical to say that anyone else has crossed the line, but for me, she has. If you can murder your own as they run in terror, then you're no kin of mine.
[Anders sighs.]
She's very politically adept. It's a shame she uses it in hopes of returning the Circles to exactly as they were, and it's worse than a shame that she killed mages in White Spire as they tried to flee when everything went down there. I realize it's incredibly hypocritical to say that anyone else has crossed the line, but for me, she has. If you can murder your own as they run in terror, then you're no kin of mine.
[A long and thoughtful pause, broken only by a faint noise of acknowledgment.]
The line is different for everyone, I suppose.
[How many of the Hasmali defenders, templars or mages, would have been willing to cut him down if he'd let them? He doubts Clarence would have hesitated, for all his simpering faux-civility in the years they'd shared a room. He can imagine Philomela running him through with a remorseless spirit blade, with that same you were never anything but a hindrance look he always imagined in her eyes when she would come to forcibly detach Myr from his side and whisk him off for training.
And yet every one of them now, everyone left behind in that tower, if that drunken conversation on Satinalia is to be believed, thinks of him as the Vivienne. Monsieur de Fer, cruel enough to cripple his own flesh and blood and flee into the night without ever looking back. He is the bogeyman of Hasmal now. Who is he to judge?]
I don't know if that's where the hypocrisy lies. But what's done is done, for all of us.
The line is different for everyone, I suppose.
[How many of the Hasmali defenders, templars or mages, would have been willing to cut him down if he'd let them? He doubts Clarence would have hesitated, for all his simpering faux-civility in the years they'd shared a room. He can imagine Philomela running him through with a remorseless spirit blade, with that same you were never anything but a hindrance look he always imagined in her eyes when she would come to forcibly detach Myr from his side and whisk him off for training.
And yet every one of them now, everyone left behind in that tower, if that drunken conversation on Satinalia is to be believed, thinks of him as the Vivienne. Monsieur de Fer, cruel enough to cripple his own flesh and blood and flee into the night without ever looking back. He is the bogeyman of Hasmal now. Who is he to judge?]
I don't know if that's where the hypocrisy lies. But what's done is done, for all of us.
Edited 2018-01-08 07:37 (UTC)
It is.
[One day he'll not lead conversations to a gloomy place. And one day mage freedom won't be endangered.]
What matters is building our future, now, with those of us who would build toward freedom and independence. And with those who would build with us.
[And those who would work with him in particular.]
[One day he'll not lead conversations to a gloomy place. And one day mage freedom won't be endangered.]
What matters is building our future, now, with those of us who would build toward freedom and independence. And with those who would build with us.
[And those who would work with him in particular.]
Sometimes I forget that isn't actually what the Inquisition's for.
[It sounds like a joke, paired as it is with the closest thing to a self-deprecating laugh as he's willing to get. It isn't. Not really.]
I'm not suggesting we leave Corypheus alone to do as he pleases. But it's so easy for people who aren't mages to take for granted what the Inquisition offers us. And for the rest of us, it feels almost too good to be true. Like bait.
[Demon's advocate again, speaking for the dead now, the ones who insisted on throwing their lives away with self-professed integrity rather than surrender themselves to one more institution with the power to betray them. It is not a position Vandelin wants to give a platform. But perhaps he owes it to their memory to present it as if it's worth refuting.]
I want to help build things. And I want to do it before we have any more ashes to build on top of. But I recognize that what I want and what we may need are not necessarily the same thing.
[It sounds like a joke, paired as it is with the closest thing to a self-deprecating laugh as he's willing to get. It isn't. Not really.]
I'm not suggesting we leave Corypheus alone to do as he pleases. But it's so easy for people who aren't mages to take for granted what the Inquisition offers us. And for the rest of us, it feels almost too good to be true. Like bait.
[Demon's advocate again, speaking for the dead now, the ones who insisted on throwing their lives away with self-professed integrity rather than surrender themselves to one more institution with the power to betray them. It is not a position Vandelin wants to give a platform. But perhaps he owes it to their memory to present it as if it's worth refuting.]
I want to help build things. And I want to do it before we have any more ashes to build on top of. But I recognize that what I want and what we may need are not necessarily the same thing.
Edited 2018-01-09 10:52 (UTC)
[His own poor decision-making finished with for the night, he regards his crystal with some surprise at the shift in Myr's tone. He'd thought they were merely kidding around, but...no, that isn't what Myr sounds like when he kids.]
Always. What's wrong?
Always. What's wrong?
[Quiet noises from Myr's end--tap-tap of a staff on a stone floor, a rustle of robes--as he finds a place to sit down.]
I may've offered to do something very stupid. Don't think I'll be held to it, but I...don't know why it seemed a good idea at the time.
I may've offered to do something very stupid. Don't think I'll be held to it, but I...don't know why it seemed a good idea at the time.
[This is not the natural order of things. Myr has not, historically, been the one needing extraction from the consequences of stupid decisions, though there always are exceptions. But it's rare enough now to set Vandelin's nerves faintly on edge, because he knows, too, what the gravity of Myr's tone means. And there are so many things out in this wide new world that can hurt them worse than anything within the Circles ever could.]
What did you offer?
[Myr will know what kind of trepidation the calmness of his tone belies.]
What did you offer?
[Myr will know what kind of trepidation the calmness of his tone belies.]
[And that's a little why he's afraid to go forward--but the fact he'd say what he did after his near-argument with Herian has his stomach roiling.]
To be made Tranquil. [There's a moment's hesitation before he hastens to explain,] There might be a cure for it. Or--there's strong reason to believe there is, that someone's come up with it, but it would need to be reinvented and tested on someone--and Casimir can't really give consent to it, so I--
[He trails off. The reasoning sounds even more hollow when he puts it that way. What if there weren't a cure at all? And even if there were it still wasn't as if Casimir could give his full consent to it being used on him, it doesn't solve the problem--]
To be made Tranquil. [There's a moment's hesitation before he hastens to explain,] There might be a cure for it. Or--there's strong reason to believe there is, that someone's come up with it, but it would need to be reinvented and tested on someone--and Casimir can't really give consent to it, so I--
[He trails off. The reasoning sounds even more hollow when he puts it that way. What if there weren't a cure at all? And even if there were it still wasn't as if Casimir could give his full consent to it being used on him, it doesn't solve the problem--]
[For anything else--anything short of this--there would be dead silence on the other end of the crystal. But there's no way for Myr to miss that panicked little intake of breath, that sheer and unconcealable horror.
It isn't the outright weeping that resulted from the last time Myr talked about wanting to be Tranquil--nor the pleading, certainly not the desperate apology. But his voice is no steadier when he does respond, like the dangerous and quiet ground tremors presaging an earthquake.]
You're damned right you won't be held to it. Because if anyone calls upon you to do it, I will unmake them from the inside out.
You volunteered this? You thought this--this--was a reasonable solution to any problem under the sun?
It isn't the outright weeping that resulted from the last time Myr talked about wanting to be Tranquil--nor the pleading, certainly not the desperate apology. But his voice is no steadier when he does respond, like the dangerous and quiet ground tremors presaging an earthquake.]
You're damned right you won't be held to it. Because if anyone calls upon you to do it, I will unmake them from the inside out.
You volunteered this? You thought this--this--was a reasonable solution to any problem under the sun?
[He deserves exactly how much that little noise hurts.
That's what you would have done to your own flesh and blood. That, forever.
His own voice is quiet around the lump in his throat,]
Don't know what I thought. It was--halfway to say that I wouldn't let anyone do something to him against his will. Hyperbole. How far I'd go--you know?
But I think I half-meant it. [There is a strange mix of emotion to those words--fear and shame and puzzlement and dismay. He doesn't know why.]
That's what you would have done to your own flesh and blood. That, forever.
His own voice is quiet around the lump in his throat,]
Don't know what I thought. It was--halfway to say that I wouldn't let anyone do something to him against his will. Hyperbole. How far I'd go--you know?
But I think I half-meant it. [There is a strange mix of emotion to those words--fear and shame and puzzlement and dismay. He doesn't know why.]
[Hyperbole, he understands. Nobody could fault Myr for it, for a cause so serious as this one. But to mean it, to come close to meaning it, to know there was ever a time when Myr would have meant it all the more sincerely (and to know, like a frozen ache in the marrow of his bones, that it's his Maker-forsaken fault)--this is what keeps him awake at night.]
Is it an extension of...what you told me, that night we spoke about it?
[His voice is very soft. He can't, for reasons he doesn't understand, bring himself to say "on Satinalia," as if he needs to leave some kind of room for vagueness or denial, as if he can't stand to recall it in that level of detail, even if he can repeat Myr's words verbatim.]
Is it an extension of...what you told me, that night we spoke about it?
[His voice is very soft. He can't, for reasons he doesn't understand, bring himself to say "on Satinalia," as if he needs to leave some kind of room for vagueness or denial, as if he can't stand to recall it in that level of detail, even if he can repeat Myr's words verbatim.]
No--Maker, no, I'm out of that. [At least he can say that with certainty and relief. There's been a bad morning here or there since coming to the Inquisition, but not so bad as that. Pray the Maker it's never so bad as that again.]
It's... [He trails off, lapses silent, prodding at the thought. Why had he?]
It was--it was partway my fault, what happened to Cas. [He hadn't been able to admit that at the time.] I think I owe it to him. Or-- [A breath in and back out again before he's silent once more.]
It's... [He trails off, lapses silent, prodding at the thought. Why had he?]
It was--it was partway my fault, what happened to Cas. [He hadn't been able to admit that at the time.] I think I owe it to him. Or-- [A breath in and back out again before he's silent once more.]
If they invent a potion that can grow eyes back, do I owe it to you to stab my own out on the off chance that the cure will work?
At least I'd still have a self if I did. At least I wouldn't have--
[For once, he can cut himself off in mid-sentence before he says the thing he can't take back. He's already been cruder in his pain and panic here than he's ever been when talking about Myr's blindness before; he's already spoken without thinking, only feeling, and he needs to pull himself back from the edge.]
You do not owe it to him, or to anyone else in the world, to destroy yourself as penance for a mistake. Not even if you think you can be rebuilt afterward. That serves no one and nothing. That isn't how penance is done.
At least I'd still have a self if I did. At least I wouldn't have--
[For once, he can cut himself off in mid-sentence before he says the thing he can't take back. He's already been cruder in his pain and panic here than he's ever been when talking about Myr's blindness before; he's already spoken without thinking, only feeling, and he needs to pull himself back from the edge.]
You do not owe it to him, or to anyone else in the world, to destroy yourself as penance for a mistake. Not even if you think you can be rebuilt afterward. That serves no one and nothing. That isn't how penance is done.
Page 8 of 9